Monday, October 27, 2008

To All American Citizens

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and the Prime Minister of Australia

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Both houses of Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour,' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday but Halloween and Thanksgiving will not. Christmas will therefore start in the shops on the 1st October to align your holidays with the rest of the world
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting kangaroo . If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot kangaroo...
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British and Australian sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK or AU prices on petrol, whichever is the higher which you have been calling petrol gasoline it's roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with tomato sauce which you insist on calling catsup but with vinegar.
9. The warm, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper Bitish Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth
- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys and Australian actors as bad guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Mac Dowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater
and watching Mel, Hugh and Nicole speaking in a foriegn tounge is also unaceptable Australian actors will be required to speak with a proper Australian accent, this may require sub-titles for some of you which mean you may just have to learn to read as well
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancy boys).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first, no laughing at Shane Warne allowed.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) and scones when in season.
16. Re-runs of old so called comedy shows like Cheers and Everyone Loves Raymond will be replaced with shows more appropriate to the comedy genre, including Benny Hill, The Two Ronnies and The Paul Hogan Show

God Save the Queen! and Advance Australia Fair!

PS: share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
PPS:: I borrowed this added some things that were missing and Australianised it

Friday, October 17, 2008

The guy next door

The guy next door is a twat, no joke he is.
This is the same guy who accused our dog of jumping the fence and biting his goose ..yes he had a goose in his backyard course the dog didn't bite his goose if she did the goose would have been dead **doh* cattle dog ..nuff said.
Anyway he's the kind of guy who mows not up too and over onto your side of the boundary of the property but leaves a line of grass there right on the boundary as wide as the fence, the kind of guy who won't mow the bit next to the road because that's the councils job yet no one can walk on there because that's his property

Anyway I've just mowed OUR strip next to the road and the edge up to his property the piece 3 feet wide between the two driveways, ours is flat his is 3 feet high and now there are grass clippings all over his drive, whoops tiny bit on purpose there it's the blower vacc see I can't control where it blows things can I anyway that's my excuse if he complains ..too bad I say I could have mowed his tiny little bit between the two drives putting the mower blades right down so it shaved it right off (leaving our side looking nice) could have done that the kind of thing he would do but I won't I'm not that mean
Knowing him he will sweep up the grass clippings put them in a dustpan and dump them back on our drive ... possibly .... he's the kind of guy who would, oh well I'll just blow them back again

This entry cross posted onto Blogger via Multiply

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fixed it

Fixed my Blogger template up ..yay finally
It's always been all stretched out since I put the 3 columns in, now it's not
Was the description padding shoved right over to the right, may not know how to make a blogger template in CSS but look I can fix one

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

About the hairy one

Just been sat at my other halfs desk, made him some filters for his Multiply inbox and sent off a PM from his ID because he didn't know the person so I had to PM them on his ID explaining that it was me on his ID he's a pain in the butt..typical male
Anyway I sit down at his desk and OMG couldn't hardly see anything his screen was feral, I've cleaned it for him now but sheesh boy clean your screen
Normally I don't sit at his desk, his chair is soggy and too low for me ..yes I typed soggy he sweats a bit another ewwww

His is the one with the towel on the chair, mines on the right
The keyboard is the same as mine we have matching ones yeah I know how cute but his is strange to type on because it's set lower than mine I put my hands down to type on it well think I am and miss it by half an inch

This is him, now you know what I mean when I say " the hairy one who isn't the dog"

this one here this one is the dog

Sunday, October 5, 2008

You know what you can do with that election.....

I'm serious about this no kidding I don't give a rats any more how long can one country go on about a stupid election FFS, how long has it been now?
I don't know and I don't care, we have elections here we vote that's it done, gone and over with
We've had at least 3 and got a new Prime Minister already!

No kidding am I glad I don't live there yak, yak, tak all day long about the dang thing ... just Nike it will ya (Just Do it!), get out those touch screens out and push a dang button vote already.
I mean look how long do they get what 4 years? Well spending 3 of those years parading around yacking and kissing babies ain't getting any work done is it
Just shut up already and get it over with choice of what 3 how hard is that

You know how many candidates we have? On a paper mind you, kills a few trees for Aussie elections it does but you know how many we have ? Put it this way it's no A4 size paper its a bed sheet sized one and we get that voting over and done with in weeks not years and you have to turn up too, no mucking around here turn up get your bed sheet sized paper and your tiny stub of a pencil and tick boxes
If they went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about it here like they do over there those pieces of paper would get thrown in faces "stuff you mate I don't want to flippin know"

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