To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and the Prime Minister of Australia
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Both houses of Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour,' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday but Halloween and Thanksgiving will not. Christmas will therefore start in the shops on the 1st October to align your holidays with the rest of the world
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting kangaroo . If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot kangaroo...
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British and Australian sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK or AU prices on petrol, whichever is the higher which you have been calling petrol gasoline it's roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with tomato sauce which you insist on calling catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The warm, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper Bitish Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth
- see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys and Australian actors as bad guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Mac Dowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater
and watching Mel, Hugh and Nicole speaking in a foriegn tounge is also unaceptable Australian actors will be required to speak with a proper Australian accent, this may require sub-titles for some of you which mean you may just have to learn to read as well
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancy boys).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first, no laughing at Shane Warne allowed.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) and scones when in season.
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16. Re-runs of old so called comedy shows like Cheers and Everyone Loves Raymond will be replaced with shows more appropriate to the comedy genre, including Benny Hill, The Two Ronnies and The Paul Hogan Show
God Save the Queen! and Advance Australia Fair!
PS: share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
PPS:: I borrowed this added some things that were missing and Australianised it
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